Thursday, January 20, 2011

To the god of small things

Why did you make the path to success the loneliest and most narrow road?


I ruminate, and I guess that makes me cut out for research. I lie in bed at night, wake up, wash off the soap from my body, and while I'm expending the last of my energy on the treadmill I constantly think. I think about the man who doesn't really like me. I think about the path for me that is unclear. I think about how much I'm starting to not care about my job, and hating the fact that it feels so bad to me that I've moved past hate to indifference. I think about taking care of myself, and being someone's "somebody". I think about thoughts. Why I can't just stop my brain from spinning and concentrate on the ill thought plot of the movie on my netflix?

I'm starting to distract myself. I'm uncomfortable with my situation, and I don't want to think about it anymore and so I'm distracting myself with hours and hours of work-outs, diets, #lookbetternaked, tweets, imaginary and real drama, and anything else I can think of. I'm sad at myself. I'm sad at the fact that I know I'm unhappy, and there's nothing I can do about it but wait it out in the hope that what I previously mislabeled "sacrifice" will pay off someday. But into what? A career, where I'll have to beg for funding to pay for some much needed research? Writing a book, that only those who already know what I'm saying will read instead of those who need to? Where my ass sinks into a window seat looking out from my ivory tower wishing there was some way I could really change the world? For a husband who doesn't love me in the way I've always dreamed about, with the utmost care, compassion, and honesty? Kids, who will never know the extent of my love?

Why am I doing this...I don't really have an honest answer.

Some questions aren't meant to have one I guess.

माँ, मैं माफी माँगता हूँ . I remember you telling me I hurt your feelings. How dare I? I forgive you too. I guess part of my actions were in vengeance, for something you didn't do, but I felt you allowed to happen. I am respite. Who knows what I will do tomorrow?

Maybe there are no answers, just truths from a finite prospective, momentary observations, glimpses of what we think to be the reasons why things happen the way they do.

I really don't know.

How can you fear the unknown when that's all there is? It's the most comfortable place a human will know. Tomorrow is never the same as today, and yesterday is a fuzzy recollection. So, you press on hoping that in the end you'll know better by and by'

So I guess my question is, will I?

3 comments:

  1. Everyday I ask myself why am I doing this?????????
    With every study session, exam, meeting, and every other thing that consumes my life i always wonder why am I working so hard and not getting the results I want. Maybe you and I are going through different things or maybe we're just both feeling a little defeated. I'm not quite sure. Either way, I always lean on hope and God. Because between the two of them I find my sanity.....so to you I say, keep distracting yourself...truth be told I do it all the time. With that, think of other things until you can't think no mo.

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  2. I know the feeling. After breaking down and crying at work. Telling everyone how much I hate the place I'm in, and having everyone tell me that they wouldn't wish the "hell of Purdue" on their worst enemy (ontop of a doctoral program). I feel a bit lost as well. Times are hard....and THESE are the best times. We will press on and squeeze what we can from there. There WILL be a day when we wish we could go back. Let's put on our smiles, big girl pants, and armor and go. We will change the world, no window seats or ivory towers allowed. Stay encouraged, and keep writing. :) With all the understanding in the world...

    me

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  3. Le sigh. That's about all I can say nowadays...

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