Raw

I find myself repeating like a broken tune 
And I'm forever excusing your intentions
And I give in to my pretendings
Which forgive you each time 
Without me knowing 
They melt my heart to stone

And I hear your words that I made up
You say my name like there could be an us
I best tidy up my head I'm the only one in love
I'm the only one in Llove
          
"Melt My Heart to Stone"     -Adele




For the past seven months I've been here. Seriously. Me. Until recently I didn't see the big picture effect of what being in this type of situation has on me now, and my relationships in the future. I remember telling this guy that I would eventually end up liking romantically, that I don't like men first, I see who likes me, and then I decide whether or not I would return affection. He said it was silly, I still think it's one of my smarter lifestyle habits. Unfortunately, for me, I returned affection, but he was still caught up in previous affairs, and strung me along for the ride. He'll of course say he didn't, but I feel like I got played. 


Introspecting on the situation, I should've picked up on signs that it wasn't going to go well for me, but of course I made excuses and figured he would see how fabulous I was pretty quickly and come around...nope. I questioned later both what I did and what he did. I should have stopped making myself available and returning flirtation a long time ago, but I had hope (a very dangerous thing, I'm finding). He, obviously didn't like me, or like me enough to put energy into it, and clearly should have stopped leading me on. I feel like no one is paying you to like me, I would not have been upset if you would have never flirted with me at all...so why do it? What kind of jollies does one get with leading with no intentions? 


Alas, I finally decided that I was going to check myself out of the equation...but there are a lot of women who don't.


One of my besties loves the show "Love and Hip-Hop", but she was flabbergasted when she witnessed one of the relationships on the show...8 years, kids, and no concrete commitments... It made me think about how long I would wait for a man to make a solid, written in black and white future with me.


First, I truly believe, now moreso after that whole debacle that if someone wants to be with you, there's nothing that can be seen as an 'obstacle'. People move mountains and swim rivers for the ones they love and want. If a man can't do that for me, then it's just not that important to him. No joke. It's just not. Watching the love that my grandparents have makes me realize that if you're truly meant to be with a person, you CAN'T, literally CAN'T be without them. Not in presence, not in mind, not spiritually. I think that's why my grandfather has never cheated. Juanita, and her needs and her love, is constantly in the forefront of his mind. They told me they just sat down with each other and TRULY committed to just "being good to one another". I don't mean that in a wishy smooshy, I love you so much I'm gonna be with you forever. I mean that in a, "we're going to be together for the rest of our lives. You mean the world to me. Hurting you is hurting me, and I'm going to be vigilant everyday about being a good person to you, not hurting your feelings, and being concerned about you", and that's what they do, and that's all that I've observed. I've made a commitment to myself to wait for the type of person that can do that with me.


I remember going to my mentor's wedding. It was the deepest, most entrenching COMMITMENT laden ceremony I've ever been to. It honestly made me question if I had the maturity and emotional capacity to ever love someone like that. Could I honestly do what they did, and say what they said, and mean it for the rest of my life? First, they went through a sort of tribunal to see if they were ready to be married, then regular marital counseling, then in their vows...and this is what really got me. They repeated Ruth 1:16
"Don't ask me to leave you and turn back. Wherever you go, I will go; wherever you live, I will live. Your people will be my people, and your God will be my God. 17. Wherever you die, I will die and there I will be buried. May the Lord punish me severely if I allow anything but death to separate us!"


Could I say that to someone? Haven't met anyone I could THINK about making that sort of commitment to.


All of this still begs the question...what do you do? I guess the lesson I learned is do nothing. My job is not to chase, or plead, or to even be available. I'm not saying make men jump through fences, but, as verysmartbrothas.com said "stop being fully committed to half-ass commitments". I couldn't and can't control what someone else does, but I can control who I make myself available to, and ignoring every sign that he's not even committed to the ideal of 'us' doesn't help me. I don't want to be bitter and jaded by the time I meet my husband, and that's what these types of situations ultimately do. You put a lot of hope into someone, thinking that they're eventually wake up and see what you have to offer and give you the love you need, but that rarely ever happens, and when it does, the love is tainted because of all the ish they put you through to get finally get there.


I'm not saying that it could never happen, but being in someone's face every day doesn't make them miss a person does it? They're getting what they need, I was not. Plus, you won't have to deal with the drama that comes with being with them, but not REALLY with them, and the bitterness that accompanies it, if you're not there in that sort of thing. Maybe they'll come to their senses later and you'll be together, maybe they won't and you'll be with someone better? Both of those are better than waiting around in a dead end/ slow promotion relationship.


What happened with me? I don't think he's a good person. I really don't even like his personality anymore. I feel like there's a baseline of respect you should show to another person, and try your best to not do harm, I honestly don't think he cares at all. He looked good on paper but in real life, he's a bust.


The most important thing is that these "situationships" will leave you raw. I feel like these things make you cautious, and you should never be cautious in love. Love is courageous, it's something you should dive into and get swallowed up by. You can't truly love if you're being cautious with yourself, your feelings, and your heart. That's the ultimate reason why these "situationships"are so dangerous, they cause you to be more guarded. Sometimes it's best to just give up hope, as crazy as it is to say. I seriously was raw, my feelings were hurt and my ego bruised. Luckily I had enough support to gird me from making any foolish and rash decisions to be quick fixes on the pain, but a lot of people don't have that and end up in something worse. 


I feel so much pressure to start a serious relationship. Every time I get on the phone with my grandmother she prays for "My future husband/companion", and to be honest I wish she would not tell me about it. I mean after all isn't it, "a man that finds a wife finds a good thing"? Shouldn't she be trying to find him and ask him why he isn't on his p's and q's? After all, it isn't going to be me getting down on one knee asking him to promise me forever.  
I would love to know him, but I realize that these things take time, and I'm not ready to say Ruth 1:17 to someone. Who knows where I'm getting my Ph.D. , and a successful relationship can feel the strain of graduate studies, so I want it to be later. I've decided to relax about it and concentrate on other things...Who knows, maybe he'll appear when I'm not looking :)