Saturday, March 5, 2011

She dealing with some issues that you can't believe ((A Free Write))

Wow. I learned a lesson, you never know what people are sensitive to. I accidently offended someone the other day, I missed some internet queues and did harm, and then it happened to me. Sucks. Karma bit me.

My grandmother is having surgery. I love her. I'm super worried, and sometimes I cry thinking the worst. Surgery on a person over 65 is a much higher risk, and even though this situation sucks, my family has been so amazing and it's great to see them rally around each other and give unabashed love and support. Even people who I haven't talked to in a long time have been great comforts. It's crazy.

I'm so over Muncie I just choose not to think about it. When I saw that "Welcome to Ohio" sign something swept over me that never has before, pride for my state, and even for my city. I rep Columbus because I feel like it's where I "grew" the most, but Dayton is my foundation, and I just appreciate that so much more now.

I'm trying to deny my feelings. It's hard. I think that I have so much hope, and I've been thinking a lot about what it means, and how dangerous a thing hope is. Everyday, every time, I think that things will change and the responses will be different, but it won't and it's not. But, I see so much potential in the situation, that I ignore facts and previous circumstances in the hope, that things will change. When do you give that up? How?

I think people see me as a hard, callous, methodical person. I'm human. I'm a woman, I've been socialized in that manner. I fall prey to the whims of the world, just like everyone else. I'm not perfect, and honestly, I've never claimed to be, and I wish people who know me in real life would stop looking at me like that. I can honestly say there are few people who know the real me, the funny, outrageous, crazy, silly person, and I've also gotten comfortable in that "good girl" role, but I don't want it anymore. I just want to be me. Not a bad girl, not a good girl, not any label, just who I am...I have to reconcile some of my "lives" and I don't know where to begin doing that.

One of my FAVORITE twitter people @skinnyjeanius got MY LIFE TOGETHER the other day. I was light weight ashamed. In being honest with myself, there is no one I hold in higher esteem then black men, and for one that I respect as much as him, to tell me I wasn't going about things in the best way for me, stung. Just to be honest. He said it in complete love, and I took in everything that he said, and he was completely right, but still...It hurt. I dunno. I think there's a challenge for me as a black woman, to hear something like that from a black man, and not ignore/get mad about it, and not really take in what they're saying, because it hurts to hear something corrective from them, because they're us. The hardest place to look for me, and I gather, most people is in the mirror. Him saying that, was like looking the mirror, and knowing that I have to fix some things, but he knows, he knows because again, he is the mirror. I really learned two lessons with that, and he was completely saying it in love, and I think that' important too, but I def felt it.

:)

That's all for the free write!

Love you all! Thanks for sticking with me!

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