Tuesday, November 22, 2011

The End of Days: An Update

(a picture of "frog baby" on campus)

         I was walking around campus in a sort of nostalgic state, happy and a little sad about the end of my days in Indiana. I have less than a month left. I'm only sad because I love my new co-workers and wish I had them at the beginning, but like I said you don't grow when you're comfortable, and I know they would've been cushions and kept me from the abrasion I needed to transform into who I am now.
        I finished my thesis and had my defense last Tuesday. It was two hours long. I spent the entire time talking, which was really weird for me. I know it would seem like I like to talk about myself and what I'm doing but face to face is different than web and on paper. When she said that I successfully defended I felt so much release. Even though there was a fair amount of drama and no sleep the night before, I've already forgotten my grievances. They are really proud of my work, and I'm grateful for all their help and assistance, and yours. Thank you for reading about my struggles, sharing your stories with me, and helping me along the way. I pray you are blessed.
         I was visiting with friend in Cinci (I literally had the time of my life in Mount Adams) and decided to stop by my cousin Nene's. I had the greatest talk with her over some amazing taco salad! TACO CASA! She told me I needed to fix it with my grandmother, but not apologize. We talked about it, and decided after I went left I would go see her. I did. I told her we were family and we needed to speak. She agreed. I'm so happy I didn't apologize. I know I can be on the surface crass, and very coarse at times, but I do have extreme love for those I'm close to and this whole situation hurt. Literally hurt my feelings in the deepest way. My grandmother and I will never be the same, her ways will never change and I have to protect myself. But, for the first time I really felt like an adult. I stood up for what I believed in when the pressure was immense and coming from a place so close. I stood up for the right to love, love at its core, for my spirituality and for my friend. I made the right decision. I've learned so much in the time since Jerius left us, and I've really learned how important it is to be yourself, anything else is self-deprecation and can literally kill you. I appreciate the lesson, sad how it was learned. 
        I decided to not walk at graduation. I've been giving the excuse that since I'll most likely end up in law school, I'll be graduating in three years, and making people attend 3 graduations in less than 5 years is a bit ridiculous, and that I have a new little baby cousin, that I'm moving, that I graduated from OSU less than two years ago etc etc. It's all a lie. I feel like if I walk I'll be officially connected to this university in the way that I was connected to Ohio State and I just don't want to give it that. That's the simple truth.
      I take the LSAT on Dec 3rd, and even though it's a big stressor before my birthday on Dec 6th (I'll be 24) I'm excited, and I feel I'm prepared and will do well. The test fits my style of thinking (I'm a ruminator/ every angle must be dissected person) so YAY! It serves a purpose!
     I'm also excited to work for a while, I need a mental break and some disposable income, I plan on getting my travel on before I'm back on lock-down with school.

So...I think that's it. :)

My best,

Stephane
   



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