Let's Be Honest

I can deal with heartache, fear, insecurities, and loneliness, but feeling like I just missed an opportunity KILLS ME INSIDE
“I’m sure you’ve met them. They say they’ll put you back together while they’re tearing everything apart. And they use the type of lips you can taste for years.”

—	I Wrote This For You

I've been sleeping about 2-3 hours a night, and I don't even really sleep, it's just time spent trying to shut my brain off.
I've been wanting to give my grandfather my post " He is not my father" but I just don't want him to be sad about what I went through, even if it will make him extremely happy to know how much he means to me. Does that make sense?
My face hasn't had this many pimples in years. YEARS. This is not how I want to bring in 25 and I know it's because of stress.

Sometimes I feel like I want to distance myself from everyone, and I hate that the act of living life makes that impossible, lol. Crazy right?

I listen to at least a sermon, or a snippet of one a night. I've always loved a good sermon. I don't know...I just like them.

I spend about an hour a day (not all at one time) sitting on the toilet contemplating the meaning of life...and this could be anywhere...law school, the student union, my apartment...anywhere

I miss blogging. My bestie sent me an email saying she searched the words "emotionally thugnificient" into google looking for a Sistah Toldja article, and instead my blog pops up. I CRIED like a baby. I couldn't believe it. Tears. Real. Tears. I re-read the post, loved the words. I couldn't believe they had come from me. Felt like they were completely wasted on who I was talking about. He's T.Rash.

Time doesn't heal all wounds, that's a lie. It either softens the look of the scar, or makes you more reflective about how you got it. I say reflective instead of say, "appreciative" because it's not always positive. Some scars I look at and I'm bitter, some I look at and say, "but theirs was uglier", and some I say, "welp, I lived to fight another day".

I realized that I'm not responsible for anyone else. I feel like when I say that people are gonna go to that automatic "she's selfish" and that's true, and it's on purpose, and I wish people would stop looking at it like it's a bad thing. I realize the extent of my maturity, my love, my devotion, my funding..lol CAN ONLY COVER MYSELF right now. I'm not responsible for anyone else's emotional state, for their bills being paid, for their happiness, or for their care. None of that. I just don't have it. Not that I don't love yall to pieces, not that I won't give my love, I'm just not responsible for it. Difference of obligation and obliging. Feature?

I spent about three days listening to one song "Everytime I Close My Eyes" by Babyface with Mariah on the back. Why? Don't ask me why.

Then I listened to this version of Frank Ocean's "We All Try" like a million times. That man is a genius. GENIUS. " I still believe in man. A wise one asked me why? I just don't believe we're wicked, I know that we all sin, but I do believe we try".... " I don't believe our lives are simple. I don't believe they're short. This is interlude. I don't believe my hands are cleanly, I can't believe that you would let me touch your heart." ....UGH! "I don't believe my hands are cleanly. I can't believe you would let me touch your heart"...let that rest up in you for a minute.

"This subject is old but I have never answered it in its entirety. And even with this post it will remain incomplete. The question why I would LET Willow cut her hair. First the LET must be challenged. This is a world where women, girls are constantly reminded that they don’t belong to themselves; that their bodies are not their own, nor their power or self determination. I made a promise to endow my little girl with the power to always know that her body, spirit and her mind are HER domain. Willow cut her hair because her beauty, her value, her worth is not measured by the length of her hair. It’s also a statement that claims that even little girls have the RIGHT to own themselves and should not be a slave to even their mother’s deepest insecurities, hopes and desires. Even little girls should not be a slave to the preconceived ideas of what a culture believes a little girl should be.” - Jada Pinkett Smith. Let that woman cook and raise her children as she chooses.

I'm not here for "Girl Meets World" , I've never known a sequel to live up to a classic. "Boy Meets World" is a classic. Corey and Topenga FOREVER!

Midol has caffeine in it. That's DUMB. I want my uterus to have a ceasefire so I can go to sleep, not just because I need to get through the day.

Do you remember when I was working through the issue of seeing past what I felt about a person and realizing them as more than the sum of a disagreement or their role to me? I wrote about it in the post "Dear...My best, Stephane" if you need a reference, but I said,

"In the grand scheme of things it was so minute. Whatever happened between us was a situation, it was not all you are. As I've come to know my imperfections I've realized that people don't come in discrete packages. People are not just good, bad, pretty or ugly. You exist further than our disagreement, you are more than your role to me. I need to see you as I hope you and others will see me, with humanity, knowing that according to my nature I cannot be perfect.

I feel like I've dealt with this issue, and I'm proud of myself on that. I helps when letting bad things go.

“You can move to the next question. I’ll respectfully say that life is dynamic and comes along with dynamic experiences, and the same sentiment that I have towards genres of music, I have towards a lot of labels and boxes and shit. I’m in this business to be creative—I’ll even diminish it and say to be a content provider. One of the pieces of content that I’m for fuck sure not giving is porn videos. I’m not a centerfold. I’m not trying to sell you sex. People should pay attention to that in the letter: I didn’t need to label it for it to have impact. Because people realize everything that I say is so relatable, because when you’re talking about romantic love, both sides in all scenarios feel the same shit. As a writer, as a creator, I’m giving you my experiences. But just take what I give you. You ain’t got to pry beyond that. I’m giving you what I feel like you can feel. The other shit, you can’t feel. You can’t feel a box. You can’t feel a label. Don’t get caught up in that shit. There’s so much something in life. Don’t get caught up in the nothing. That shit is nothing, you know? It’s nothing. Vanish the fear."

:). I laugh daily. I love my school, I love learning about the law. I feel like this is where I'm supposed to be, no matter what else falls apart. Joy v. Happiness.

"It's not easy, but I realize a lot of no's in my life was God protecting me. Fruit before it's season will kill you" -Kirk Franklin

-Stephane

Mason Jars and Matriculation