Saturday, December 4, 2010

2 57

The number of minutes and seconds it says that I should contemplate life while I'm waiting on my Aussie 3 minute miracle conditioner to do it's magic.

but I contemplated at least ten names for this post. It might change, dunno.

Disclaimer: this is not a sympathy post, it's just real.

I feel like I might cry at least once a day, I'm crying right now, and honestly if it weren't for my AMAZING family and friends back home I don't know what my mental state would be right now. You all are keeping me right now, from family members who read this blog, to my buckeye babes on twitter, to you always calling or picking up when I call, I would feel like the loneliest person on this planet.

One of the names I almost called this post was: foreboding. I remember when I met that girl from Ohio in the gym and she told me she had no real friends here, and to be prepared for that, I didn't take her seriously. Ladies and gentlemen, it's real.

I have a friend, and I love this woman more than most people know. I have my regrets and there has been some shit I should not have done, but she loves me. Real love, the kind of friend all people should have. Not only would she give me a glass of water on a day when it fells hotter than hell, but she would give everyone in my family one too. I remember when she told me one of her biggest struggles, some may have shuddered and dismissed her, but honestly it only made me love her more that she would trust me enough to confide in me. She sent me a text a few weeks ago and it said "Just come home steph". I dismissed it at the time, but tonight, in that 2 minutes and fifty seven seconds, I really thought it over.

I have no attachment to this place, this school, these people, or anything. I miss my godbabies like air. Even though some people hope, and even seriously question it, I didn't give birth to them, but I feel like a mother who has abandoned her children.

My boss told me that I was doing a great job, and she knew I was homesick, but that I was fantastic. I never said I was homesick, as a matter of fact, I could never return to Dayton, it's the people, and it's the fact that here is so lonely for me that it makes Dayton look great. There was soo much hope at first, but it's grown dimmer and dimmer. I'm nervous about spending so much time at home over break, will I ever want to come back?

I think people are seriously starting to notice there's a difference in me. To be honest, there is a change. I'm not as happy as I used to be, and I don't feel as great as I used to.

I think the line in the sand for me is a simple distinction between unhappiness and sacrifice. Right now I still feel like I'm sacrificing my social life and some of the things that I used to enjoy for later returns in career and well-being. But, if that sacrifice ever moves into the line of being not worth it, and me being genuinely unhappy and depressed, I will make my leave. Today, I'm at sacrifice, tomorrow...who knows?

Things will change next quarter and maybe doing research will change my outlook and be just what I need, if not I can graduate this summer and move on from this lesson.

Pray for me yall, and thank you everyone who reads this blog cares and every time I need love I look at this and know I have it.

At the innermost core of all loneliness is a deep and powerful yearning for union with one's lost self.

It would do the world good if every man would compel himself occasionally to be absolutely alone. Most of the world s progress has come out of such loneliness.
Bruce Barton

Loneliness is and always has been the central and inevitable experience of every man.
Thomas Wolfe

Loneliness is never more cruel than when it is felt in close propinquity with someone who has ceased to communicate.
Germaine Greer

Pray that your loneliness may spur you into finding something to live for, great enough to die for.
Dag Hammarskjold

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