So today I saw someone who I felt I had a bad situation with, and I felt no type of way, nor any ill will. I felt the worst possible emotion ever: indifference. Indifference, is worse because it's the absence of any kind of sensitivity. No feelings at all, even with hate there is some element of care, of humanity. Indifference is a void. I felt that.
I thought at first that I didn't feel anything because I was becoming more emotionally mature, forgiving, but that's totally not the reason why. I've lost faith, hope, and now I'm just living to get through.
People used to say that I was emotionally unavailable, crass and unfeeling. Ohio State changed that. The love I received there, and still receive from those I met and from my family still resides in my heart, but this place.... I've chucked it as a loss, and split myself. There is the physical and academic here, and the emotional at home. I've compartmentalized myself and that's crazy, that I feel that I have to do that to survive mentally here.
I'm literally emotionally thugnificent. My life is means to an end. There is no joy in this part of the journey.
I literally don't care anymore. When you don't care, you can't get hurt, and I'm just trying to make it out with the least amount of scars possible.