Monday, October 31, 2011

Sometimes I cry.

br /> My friend asked me "How do I cut it?", she's a new graduate student, and she's in the same place that I was last year. I feel for her, SOO DEEPLY. It's hard. Not necessarily because of the work, even though the volume has increased exponentially. It just feels like you're so out on your own.
I moved to a new state. I knew no one. I didn't really feel like there were opportunities to meet a lot of people.
I think part of the hard part about it is that so much is expected of you so quickly. I got here, the next semester I was writing the first three chapters of my thesis. Then I needed to be done, the deadlines come up so quick. You're also synthesizing ideals, data, and your own work. There's no guide, and you just have some guidance from your advisors and you better hope they're good.
I've cried. Sometimes daily. I wrote 2:57 from a deeply sad place. I've revisited that place OFTEN.
I think that when people see my posts about my thesis, SAS, and almost being done, they think that I'm doing well on all fronts, but the truth is, they're props to remind me that I can succeed, even when I truly feel like "I might don't make it". There are days when I've left work early, because I knew another second there and I would burst into tears. I was so glad when they gave me an office so I could have a place to cry when it just wouldn't work and I had NO IDEAL what I was doing.
I was being really honest with one of my friends the other day, and I was just like this is above my pay grade. I always wonder if my advisor goes home and is like "my God, this girl knows nothing." But, I work through it. I try. I've stayed up until four or five in the morning to read my business statistics book, just so I could walk into work the next day and not look like a complete fool. I've shook my head like I've understood, knowing I had NO CLUE.
My friend E said something that resonates with me all the time " forget what Marianne Williamson said, my deepest fear I am inadequate" and even though that sounds crass, I'll admit that this fear is with me like a shadow. Some days the only thing I felt kept me here, and in grad school was not that I wanted to be a success, but the fact that my mind who never be ever able to live with being a failure. To live with not being who I thought I was.
I've had so much encouragement and help from places I've never expected and I'm so so so so so grateful.

Thank you, and please stay encouraged.

Sidenote: Knowing what I know now, this is why I never shade people who don't go through formal education. It's not for everyone, and I'm so sick of people not being who they are, stay in your lane.  Not everything is for everyone. You can be a painter, electrician, afrikan booty scratcher, and that's okay. This is why people walk around out of purpose, unhappy, and listless. They're trying to be someone they're not. I love you all, be happy. Be you.


2 comments:

  1. Yesss to all of this and then some.

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  2. E did not cuss, she simply said, "Forget what Marianne Williamson said, my deepest fear is that I am inadequate." That holds such a different meaning. I think "being inadequate" is a choice, I think "I am inadequate" means you just do not have the physical capabilities to do it and the goal is unattainable, so no matter how hard you try, how much you study, how late you stay up, you just can't do it, and that right there is my deepest fear.

    But I feel just like this, this very moment is my life. So as I pray for myself, I will pray for you.

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