Monday, October 18, 2010

Rehab

You were like my lover
And my best friend
All wrapped into one
With a ribbon on it
And all of a sudden
you went and left
I didn't know how to follow
It's like a shock
That spun me around
And now my heart's dead
I feel so empty and hollow


And I'll never give myself to another
The way I gave it to you
Don't even recognize
The ways you hurt me
Do you?
It's gonna take a miracle to bring me back
And you're the one to blame
- Rhianna's "Rehab"

Whitney asked, "Where do broken hearts go?" and the answer is no where, they stay with you. Love doesn't just leave, and I think the insistence that we pack our proverbial bags and move on is ridiculous. I'm sick of people saying that you can't carry baggage into a new relationship and in order to be healthy you have to completely chuck away your past, and all the hurt that the last man did. I don't think it's possible. If it is I don't really think that you were really in love with the last person. If you were, you can be honest and say that it's not that easy. If we truly are nothing but our experiences, how can we truly toss away something so important as a romance? I don't think we can.

I recently had a talk with one of my closest friends, she's seriously like a big sister to me, and she was in the same situation I was in a few months ago. She has fallen in love with a man, a person who became her best-friend, a person who she had gave all the love she could possibly give and he played her. I could be missing information, but to my knowledge she never cheated, did him wrong, was SUPER understanding, and gave him a beautiful baby girl. Regardless what she did or didn't do, it didn't excuse his cheating or disrespectful behavior. After countless returns, tomfoolery, and lies she finally left for good. Or did she, or can she?

I don't think so, I think the best that you can you can do is pack the experience in your bag as a lesson and carry it with you as you go on. Now I'm not at all advocating bitterness, I'm saying maybe you learned to communicate better, maybe there were signs you missed,  and may be there's something even bigger to learn.

The problem that both my friend and I have that's bigger than all of this is that we gave these men a piece of our identity, maybe too much, a part we should have kept just for ourselves. Part of me was defined by my relationship with him. So when he started acting like I wasn't important, a part of me took that in and I felt I wasn't important. Never before have I let someone in that deep. I could see myself getting lost in our relationship. I was literally losing me. My attitude had changed, I was depressed, and didn't want to do anything. My friends could see the change and were apathetic but seriously worried. After the fact I couldn't believe myself. There was nothing particulary special about him that he should have gotten all that I gave, but it is what it is. I think that although it is dangerous to give a part of yourself to a relationship, I think it's necessary for a great longterm relationship. I think that my grandparents are in part defined by their relationship to each other. So I guess the trick is to give a part, but not be completely defined by, and to give it to the right person. How you do that, I don't know yet.

So, what I have to say is that love carries over. You can't just drop it off somewhere and pretend it didn't happen, it's bullshit to try and the people who tell you you can, watch out for those tricksters, I doubt if the really know how to deeply love. I'm in the process of trying to turn it into a learning experience and carry it with me that way, and I suggest you do the same.

Many blessing with your love lives <3

Stephane

2 comments:

  1. My comment didn't post the 1st time. But I wanted to say that I love this part "we gave these men a piece of our identity, maybe too much, a part we should have kept just for ourselves" because it is so true. We are taught that we have to give ourself over to our man in order to receive all of him and most times he's not doing his part in that aspect.So the next time someone worthwhile comes along, I'll be keeping all of me. But I will decide if he deserves a seat on my journey :P

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