Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Bi-Sexuality

Ok, so this past week facebook has been all abuzz with the Q&A game. Users ask a question, and the respondent places the answer in their status. One of my besties/sister decides that we should ask my ex, who has been posting some very suspect things on his profile whether or not he's truly gay. She asks, he tells her he is ((gasp)). Well, not really.
Now, let me give some background on us. I met this loving, wonderful person when I was in high school. We played spades together every day and talked all the time. People assumed we were together, but to be honest I never had any attraction to him #realtalk. I didn't even think that he really liked me until my mom and I went to his graduation party and his stepfather hinted that he thought I was his future daughter in law and that I would come around eventually. He is a great guy though, we graduated, and we were supposed to go to the same school, but many of you that know me know that I changed schools at the last minute. I was supposed to go to Ohio University. I had turned in my acceptance fee and my housing contract, and had a full scholarship. We planned to live on the same side of campus and everything. I took one last visit to The Ohio State University and fell in love. So, I changed my mind, forfeited my scholarship and went to OSU.

Anyway, we kept in touch and honestly, partially out of boredom and the fact that I knew that he was a good guy, and I was determined to not be one of those women who passed up the good guys for the bad one's I gave us a shot. The moment that the words came out of my mouth I knew I made a mistake. I knew even though he was great, he wasn't the one for me. He was amazing on paper: Ohio University, pre-med, Christian, nice, Mom likes him, etc etc. But I wasn't attracted to him and it never came together for me in my mind. He was talking marriage, kids( he wanted five), and family get-togethers and I just couldn't take it.

So after several weeks he planned a trip to come visit me on his birthday, Cinco de Mayo, for our step show and other frivolous activities. After spending time as a couple I realized I couldn't do it. I knew that he was way ahead of me as far as us goes, and I couldn't wait until it got even more serious to break it off. So when he left I told him it was over, it was the only time I cried breaking up with someone. I was sad that I couldn't work it out, I knew he was amazing, but just not for me.

Now I know you're wondering how in the world am I using such flowery words for my ex, who is now gay...well, I'm not ready to get there yet.

I think I've been preparing for this for a while, one of my other besties posted this article about a week ago:  http://thefreshxpress.com/2010/10/single-black-male-in-search-of-or-where-are-all-the-good-black-women/
about dating a bi-sexual man...I immediately said, no.

Let's go back to my ex...

So when my sister found out he was gay she was immediately upset, and the line of questioning went something like this, well, exactly like this:

The OOO's are my friend and the XXX's are my ex.
OOO November 14 at 11:02pm
You don't have to put this on your status, but how long were you gonna stay with her? So you were just gonna be on some Terry McMillan type ish..until when? Yall had kids? Yall were married twenty years?
XXX November 14 at 11:06pm Report
I would've stayed with her forever if she was fine with who I've been with before her. I would've told her before we became serious. Problem is she cut us loose before we had a chance to. I'm sure she wouldn't have accepted my truth but I would have accepted her...
OOO November 14 at 11:12pm
Accepted her for what? r u bi? cuz ur profile still says interested in women?
XXX November 14 at 11:16pm
She has always seemed judgmental. I was saying that she wouldn't accept me for who I've been with. And I will change that on my profile so it doesn't mislead anyone else.
OOO November 14 at 11:19pm
im not asking u to do that but i just had some ?'s honestly im hurt i feel some type of way for my friend i mean dont get me wrong im not judging u bcuz ive been openly bi all my life everyone knows
OOO November 14 at 11:20pm
although whats makes me angry is bcuz it seems as if u were hiding this from my friend my bff my sister as if u were attempting to mislead her to have ur trophy wife and front for the world! understand
XXX November 14 at 11:25pm Report
What I don't understand is I never would've played her. I would've treated her with the most sincerest heart, loved her with all of her flaws but bc of my past I would never have a shot with her. I never mistreated her. She dumped me! So from my standpoint it should be ME whose upset.


Okay...in reading this I felt like I need to apologize...wow right. So I did, and I congratulated him on being able to be himself, because it's a hard thing to do some times. I've been this man's friend for over eight years. What kind of friend am I if he feels I'm soo judgmental he can't be honest with me?

The article also made me think about whether or not I would date a bi-sexual man..probably not, but I've learned to never say what I will and won't do. This is the age of metro-sexuality and bi-sexuality and I think that this is something my generation will have to deal and reconcile ourselves with in the coming years. I was talking to someone about this earlier and she was thinking the whole "down-low" phenomenon and everything, and I don't think that this is that. This is baggage, just like any other past relationship a person brings to the table. This person is not looking to sneakily cheat with a person of the same sex. Bi-sexual people are not inherently cheaters. But I think that if a relationship ends..the next person they are with could be a man or a woman.

I still have love and respect for this person, and I've learned and grown a lot from my friendship with them, and this is just one of the lessons they've taught me,  I need to create environments for honesty.

#sidenote: Do I agree that he should be upset because we broke up?...NO. I'm not crying over spilled milk. He just wasn't the ONE. I didn't play him either..I was just being honest with myself, something it took him a little longer to do. #HELLO

Yeah... I'm still working out how I feel about all this

2 comments:

  1. I'm sure it was a shock that you should have to find out all of this from a 3rd party. Nothing is more hurtful or more of a wake up call than to have to hear someone who you thought you were very close to, cannot be completely honest with you because of their fear (and it is fear) that you cannot accept them or will judge them harshly. Sidenote: you are not judgmental, just allergic to bull ish.
    I sincerely hope you two can move past this misunderstanding and get back to "was". Honestly though, this incident may move you two to a different platonic plane.
    Love you Steffie!!

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  2. Oh, I'm not mad at all. I'm glad he recognized "his truth". I would have never got back with him anyway. I think it might bring us closer together as friends. I think it's a completely different animal when you keep a secret about your sexuality. There so many societal factors weighing in, and I have a conversation with him later. I knew she was going to ask him. I was a part of her decision making process. It's not that I heard it from someone else, especially from her. I'm just glad I finally know.

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